Path to PandA: Finding (Body) Love
10am on a Friday, I found myself staring at my image in a not-yet-fogged mirror that was a few inches away from my sweaty mat 30 minutes into one of my friend’s classes. We were doing jumping jacks of all things, and suddenly I realized: despite being heavier on the scale than I had ever been in my pre-pregnancy life, I didn’t hate the body that I was staring at. Was it a body I was going to keep? No. However, in this moment, I could only stare in wonderment that this body – this body that had fat, that had a soft midsection, that didn’t have a thigh-gap – THIS BODY had created my two amazing daughters.
People say that we are all miracles, and now that I have created and grown two human lives, I can say the same with 100% conviction. We are all miracles. Think about it. We CREATE human life and grow it INSIDE our bodies, and then once our babies are out, they continue to grow and age every moment of their lives – how is that not a miracle?! Not a day passes by that I don’t stare at my daughters in wonderment and think: I cannot believe that you came out of me (as well as: I cannot believe I get to keep you! And: I cannot believe you are mine – I am so SO lucky)!
Now, if you had asked me during my pregnancy, or even four weeks post-partum if this was a thought I ever could possibly experience in my brain, I would have shot it down in a millisecond. Things change. Thoughts change. People change. I changed. We can break old patterns and old beliefs.
It took years for me to let go of my perceived notion of what I “had” to look like to be a yoga instructor, and ideas I had about my ideal body, in order to gain body fat and signal my body that it was okay to become pregnant. After my babies were born, before I had my green light to workout again, and while I was eating to feed my children, I kept thinking: I need to have control back over my body, I can’t wait until I can stop eating so much and workout all of the time. That’s crazy. I know it’s crazy, but at that hormonal stage of my life, that is exactly what I was thinking. Thankfully, as I said before, thoughts change, and even more thankfully for me, my thoughts changed.
Does that mean I am going to do nothing, and allow my body to stay as is? No. That is simply not in me. Part of the reason it was so hard for me to get pregnant is because I LOVE being active, I love things that challenge me and make me sweat, and I love eating healthy foods that still allow me to feel strong, yet light enough to fly. So, it only stands to reason that I will do everything I can to feel comfortable in my body again, to feel light on my yoga mat, to feel great in my bathing suit on my next yoga / surf retreat, but most importantly: to allow my daughters have a happy, healthy mom. Am I going to starve myself to get there? Absolutely not. Am I going to do yoga and work out for several hours a day? Um, definitely not, I have two babies – what new mom has time for that?! For the first time in my life, I am comfortable with allowing my body to do its thing, to treat it right by allowing it to move when it needs to move (time permitting, of course), to feed it well, and trust that it will be perfect for me if I do these things – no drastic measures necessary.
Happily, I found when I started teaching myself CrossFlowX in preparation for my return to the Movement, I started to finally see changes in my body. Turns out we really do teach the class we need! That particular blend of strengthening, cardio and core work is exactly what my body needs to look and feel its best right now, and I am loving the process.
More later on the getting back into yoga part. For now, I would love to know from you: is there something in your life that changed your relationship with your body? Do you have ups and downs? What events or moments made / make you proud of the body you live in? What does your body do for you that you thank it for, and also: how do you thank your body for doing all of the amazing things it does? Please leave your answers in the comments below.
My favorite SoulCycle instructor has said several times in class something to the effect of: the human body is incredible – it has the ability to mend human bones and human hearts. It is so, so true: our bodies are incredible! I hope you can take a moment today to recognize that about yours.
Sending oodles of love to you and all of your amazing bodies!
Love and Light,
Heidi
Xoxo
Very nice post!
For me, it wasn’t so much about body, but after my son was born and had my 8-week-leave, I decided not to work full time anymore, because I simply couldn’t allow somebody to take care of him instead of me (or my husband)! So, between me working 2 days a week and my husband who had somewhat flexible schedule + option to work from home, we didn’t get any help like daycare or nannies. It was my decision however, I was somewhat ashamed of (maybe not exactly the right word here) choosing to do so. Working part time was a lot different from working full time. (you do not get treated the same because the company doesn’t put as much responsibility than full timers. Also your chance of getting promoted decreases significantly) I drove myself crazy try to still do as much work as before and maintain seniority in the company by working on the day I was not on the schedule, and worry about the work 24/7. It was a struggle, because I also thought I had to be full time mom + wife, and I try to do everything at home the same way as I was on the maternity leave. I tired myself so much, I was getting more and more stressed, and I was becoming less happy person :(
So after doing so for about one year, I had no intention of going back full time, however, I was very scared of quitting the work all together. (I think because some part of me still thought I needed to also have a successful career) In the end though with my husband’s encouragement (he actually said that I could be retired and never need to go back to work if I don’t want to, which got rid of my fear towards going back to work after quitting. Sounds silly, but I honestly thought that keeping this little part time position will help me keep going in my career), and me convincing myself that I don’t have to shine in a occupation to feel successful, I quit.
It has been a year and half since then but I always think that was the best decision that I have made in my life! I regret nothing at all about it :) (Rather I think I was crazy to think what I was thinking back then) Sorry, it’s got long, and it is not at all about my post pregnancy body, but I DO feel thankful that “my thoughts changed” ;)
Ayaka, I LOVE this!!!! Thank you so much for sharing!!! We do so many things in life because some belief that we picked up at some point makes us feel we “should”. So amazing that you were able to shift through all of the extra / not real thoughts and find your truth that makes you happy and is the best for you and your beautiful family! So happy for you! Xoxo, Heidi